Life update: I'm scared of losing my independence

When I jotted down this post idea in my blog planner, I had no idea that it would end up being as emotionally charged as it is. To be honest, I was expecting an extended version of "Lol when I'm at uni I'm a 20-year-old who is #bossing it in London, but when I'm back home I feel akin to a toddler who isn't even sure how to make herself pesto pasta without adult supervision". But, as it turns out, the dissonance between my home life and my uni life is a bit more of a problem than I even realised. Apparently, I have way more to say than I first expected. Oh, blogging, I'm endlessly impressed by your cathartic qualities.

So, to put it simply, I feel like I'm a different person when I'm at university. Or perhaps my perception of myself just changes, because although my core principles remain the same, I certainly feel different within myself. Mainly, I feel like the best (the most productive, the most active, the most independent) version of me when I'm at uni. I think it mainly relies on the routines that I've created for myself since starting uni. It's these daily habits that make me feel like I'm capable of not only being alone, but thriving alone. But the scary thing is that I think my routines have stopped being just that and started to be a part of my personality. They're no longer something that simply aids me, but something that I rely on.


I wake up at 7am, I have a similar breakfast every day, I go for walks, I work, I work out, I create and on Sundays I do absolutely nothing. This is the routine that I have fallen into and am comfortable with. So, knowing that in a matter of weeks it'll be taken away from me is kind of terrifying. I'm so used to having my time completely to myself that the thought of sharing it consistently for 3 months makes me feel anxious. I guess it's because this past year or so has made me realise how much I value 'me time' and how desperately I need days to just focus on my own projects in order to stay sane. The truth is, I'm not very good at carving time for myself when I'm surrounded by the people I love because my instinct is to be with them at every opportunity (because I bloody love them), but I'm starting to recognise that it's not healthy for me.

The majority of me is beyond excited to get back to my home comforts and to have the opportunity to see my family and my boyfriend whenever I want, but I'm also worried that I won't provide myself with the opportunities to do things just for me. I'm scared that I'll let go of my independence and revert back to pre-university 18-year-old Beth. She's cool and everything, but she's definitely got a lot of growing to do.

I don't think that I'm alone in the way I feel, because the truth is that moving out changes everybody and heading back can feel bewildering and comfortable all at once. I'm sure most students are well acquainted with this double-life kind of situation. Now that I've become aware of it I guess it's just a case of bridging the gap between the two. I need to find a way of connecting independent living and home life without burning out and without feeling like I'm constantly missing the other one.

I usually like to end my posts with a conclusions, but I'm really not sure how I can go about fixing the dissonance between how I see university me and home me. So, I want to hear your experiences. Do any of you students feel like you're living two lives and do you have any recommendations for getting over it?


4 comments:

  1. I can't give you much advice, because I'm like 18 year old Beth- heading into uni. But, you're not the person you were when you went into uni. Experiences change us, mould us and guide us. You've gone through something, so you'll never go back to how you were. The last few years of your life have impacted you.

    I guess, I would try to follow my old routine to the best of my abilities, with small compromises in between. Just remember, if you don't like where your story is going. Change it.

    I hope this helps!

    Steph
    www.socialspying.com

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    Replies
    1. Steph, this was such a thoughtful and lovely comment to receive! You are so right. I probably need to stop being scared and just start actually implementing changes to make home life more like uni life.

      Good luck with uni and thank you again! xx

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  2. I completely agree with this - I'm definitely a lot different at university and I'm also worried that when I return home (for good this time eeekk) that my productivity will deplete and I'll revert back to my 18 year old self! I'm hoping that because this is actually it - ie I know I'm not going back to uni after a month - I'll get off my arse and actually do stuff and continue to be my own person like at uni.

    But I totally understand that when family and friends are around you want to be with them as much as you can so drop almost anything you're doing to spend time with them - and then that makes my days so much shorter. But I'm going to try and worm in the fact that even though I'm living with them (as I can't afford otherwise) and love them to bits, that I need to do what I want - e.g go out with friends and not have to plan being back for dinner or do what I plan to do regardless of they're plans.

    I also think Steph (above) is right - after going to uni you've developed as a person so at least you recognise these two different people and after a while you'll realise which one you want to be!

    JosieVictoriaa // Fashion, Travel & Lifestyle

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  3. Hi Bethany,
    I am headed over from the Blog Boss Babe community to say hi! I really love your blog. This post really spoke to me - I am finished with uni but this was definitely a struggle for me as well. I also felt that when I see old friends from school, we all kind of went back to being our "High School selves" which was sometimes fun but also confusing and embarrassing at times.
    For me it just took time to translate the growing I had done away from home to extend into all areas of my life. I think summer is definitely a good time for that, as you have quite a lot of time to find this balance. What I also found helpful was communicating with my family and friends - explaining that I don't get stupidly drunk anymore, that I like going to bed early, that I like my alone time, that I sometimes won't be able to hang out because I have scheduled a workout and that I need that to stay sane. People are often more understanding than we first think and they can even support us in those things.
    Lots of love,
    Britta

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